6,484 miles.

distance sucks. don't let anyone tell you differently. dating long distance isn't fun. wether it's as far as israel, or only chicago. it's going to be hard. it's going to cause disappointment, longing, frustration, and probably some tears every now and again. 

but, there's some joy that can be found in this...

like this

and this

and certainly this

and moments like this

so yeah, it sucks. a lot. but when you find someone who can always make you smile and is a constant reminder of all the Father's goodness, it's worth it. every lonely night, every tear, every longing. it's worth it for all the laughter, smiles, memories, and joy.

[41 days]

sitting.

living in wait is harder than expected. it makes it feel as though you're trying to live out a dream that you've already woken up from. and when that feeling hits, it scares you to death. what could it mean? maybe you're being irrational, maybe you're being emotional, maybe you're over-thinking. maybe. that's the scary part. not knowing. but wanting desperately to know. because once you know, then the fear goes away. maybe. only maybe because what if knowledge isn't enough? hearing the words and knowing they're true isn't enough. what if what it comes to do raw feelings. but you can't tell feelings are there, just the knowledge of feelings. and that's not enough. and past feelings aren't enough either, because who knows if those are real anymore. and reminders of those feelings almost leave you bitter. because they're a reminder of what you want now. and maybe they're true now, but you can't know. you can only hope they are. the only thing that can keep you going is the prospect of future feelings. touching, smelling, tasting. but when that's all that seems like enough, you're left waiting. but once what you're waiting for becomes the past, what if it all comes back again? and you're left holding onto waiting once more. the idea of being delighted in the present is great, but what if the knowledge of the future is greater? no matter how great it is now, it doesn't seem like it can ever be as great as if might be later. and if the knowledge of future feelings is worth it, shouldn't it make the present easier?
but it doesn't. in a lot of ways, it makes it harder. because you can't have what you want now. you have to wait. and you know that all the hardship it's causing is your fault. you're choosing it. and to some, that might seem like the dumbest thing in the world. but to you, it's as natural as breathing. you wouldn't have it another way. but it's still hard. the very thing that makes it easy is the thing that makes it hard. and even when the foundation is in place, when the details on top seem to be shaky, it doesn't feel solid. but you know it's solid. it's solid because the thing you're waiting for is greater than what you're going through. so you continue to wait. because even if you're not sure of feelings, there's more to it than that.

grey.

please stop with all these emotions
they're eating me alive
they're taking over and pulling forward
and leaving all my thoughts behind.
i don't know what i think
i only know what i feel
but i don't know if i can trust these feelings
i think they're blurring what is real.
because people seem to be changing
right in front of my very eyes
and nothing makes sense anymore
just overwhelmed through my cries.
i wish i could talk about it
i really do
but i don't think anyone would truly understand
not even you.
which is the source of all this confusion
because i'm the type that can't contain
but these thoughts and these emotions
are still locked inside my brain.
my brain is a funny thing
it tells me how to both think and to feel
which is why i think i can't sort out the two
which are lies and which are real.
maybe i'll just wait for this to pass
yes, i think that's what i'll do
maybe all these thoughts and emotions
will eventually lead me back to you.
i hope and pray for nothing less
because i promise, my heart you have not lost
my confusion might stop me from showing it
and i'm sorry for the guilt that it's caused.
i know i don't speak up when i should
and i know you wish that i would
but sometimes these thoughts fool me
and tell me that the silence makes me good.
but i see it breaks your heart
and it's breaking mine, too
i promise i'm trying, just look in my eyes
hear all that they tell you.
i know the distance makes it hard
and i don't look up to show
but i'm scared of what you'll see sometimes
because of all that i don't know.
i know better than any that words aren't enough
and they alone won't bring us through
so i wait for the day that our hearts collide
and the miles close to you.
maybe that's the truth that i've been searching for
my thoughts and feelings laid bare
i don't know what comes next
but, my love, please know that i'll be there.

[source]

jokester.

the day before he left for college, this really great boy played me this song that he had written for me. so, pretty much every girl's dream. i am so lucky :)

for only you.

MOUCHE.

THE SUN IS HOT.

LYING FACE.

I MISS THE SOUND YOU MAKE WHEN I BLUSH AND STARE AT THE GROUND.

--------------------------

happy valentine's day, babe :)

two a.m. conversations.

ryan jenkins:

haha it's about being calculating without anybody knowing that

me:

calculating is a verb, not an adjective

ryan jenkins:

false

both

me:

i'm looking it up

...dang it

ryan jenkins:

hahaha now stop overanalyzing everything babe because i'm indecipherable

me:

not to overanalyze, but i don't think indecipherable is the correct word there

ryan jenkins:

my point exactly

me:

how do you also execute those comments so welllllllll?

ryan jenkins:

calculation

me: 

full circle!

thankful.

thank you for bringing me joy.

thank you for being so good looking. ;)

thank you for always treating me so kindly. 

thank you for being mine.

and thank you for giving me this camera. i absolutely love it. i can't wait to take more pictures of you and the beautiful world the Lord has created around us :)

i love...

- drinking coffee.
- sitting at the park.
- watching tv.
- smiling.
- going on walks.
- getting breakfast.
- late night conversations.
- spending time with friends.
- laughing.
- meeting new people.
- making late night food runs.
- living life.
[all with you].

hey....

remember the night we danced in the rain?

me too.

quiet alone 
saturday's nothing again till you're home
i miss the sound you make 
when i blush and stare at the ground
i'm so in love that i can't understand 
how the world's in demand 
when you shine like a star to me


i'm still singing for summer 
where we had found one another
please hurry back to me


calm me down
wait until i feel loss abound
i'm so afraid that the life that i've made 
is the long road to losing the love that i crave 


i cannot wait till the month of december
i've been alone
please say we'll be together 
and hurry back to me

[bella.stay].

tomorrow is august second.

maybe it doesn't really feel like an ending because it's not an ending.

maybe it's a beginning.

the beginning of

heartbreak, pain, hardship, and challenges.

but i don't know about you...

but i can't wait.

i can't wait to feel miserable.

because feeling miserable means

i care.

we'll grow.

it matters.

so yes,

i can't wait to feel miserable.

because in that misery there is joy.

an insurmountable amount of joy.

so look towards the future.

because there is so much hope there.

i know that's where i'm looking...