sitting.

living in wait is harder than expected. it makes it feel as though you're trying to live out a dream that you've already woken up from. and when that feeling hits, it scares you to death. what could it mean? maybe you're being irrational, maybe you're being emotional, maybe you're over-thinking. maybe. that's the scary part. not knowing. but wanting desperately to know. because once you know, then the fear goes away. maybe. only maybe because what if knowledge isn't enough? hearing the words and knowing they're true isn't enough. what if what it comes to do raw feelings. but you can't tell feelings are there, just the knowledge of feelings. and that's not enough. and past feelings aren't enough either, because who knows if those are real anymore. and reminders of those feelings almost leave you bitter. because they're a reminder of what you want now. and maybe they're true now, but you can't know. you can only hope they are. the only thing that can keep you going is the prospect of future feelings. touching, smelling, tasting. but when that's all that seems like enough, you're left waiting. but once what you're waiting for becomes the past, what if it all comes back again? and you're left holding onto waiting once more. the idea of being delighted in the present is great, but what if the knowledge of the future is greater? no matter how great it is now, it doesn't seem like it can ever be as great as if might be later. and if the knowledge of future feelings is worth it, shouldn't it make the present easier?
but it doesn't. in a lot of ways, it makes it harder. because you can't have what you want now. you have to wait. and you know that all the hardship it's causing is your fault. you're choosing it. and to some, that might seem like the dumbest thing in the world. but to you, it's as natural as breathing. you wouldn't have it another way. but it's still hard. the very thing that makes it easy is the thing that makes it hard. and even when the foundation is in place, when the details on top seem to be shaky, it doesn't feel solid. but you know it's solid. it's solid because the thing you're waiting for is greater than what you're going through. so you continue to wait. because even if you're not sure of feelings, there's more to it than that.